It’s Wednesday morning. I wrote this post before the results started coming in, so as I write, I don’t know who won. I don’t even know if there was a decisive winner or if we’ll be taking this one to the courts to determine a winner.
But I do know this: about half of my friends on Facebook will be ecstatic, while the other half will be wringing their hands and looking forward to 2016. I, for one, am glad the election is over, at least in terms of what I’ll be seeing on social media. I’m actually tired. Worn out from all the negativity.
There are a few friends I’m a bit worried about. In fact, there were about three of them who held the full time job of “czars of hatred.” They seemed to spend every waking hour looking for articles and memes to prove that the opposing candidate was the most evil/dumbest man on the planet (and in some cases, galaxy). Now that the election is over, what will they do? I mean, I’m sure there will be a few days of either, “I told you so” or “I’m leaving the country” depending on who has actually won, but what will they do with all of their free time?
With that in mind, here are a few things you can do today, and the next few days, if you feel you’re going to suffer from post-election depression syndrome:
1. If your candidate lost, unlike their Facebook page with great ceremony, with an update saying, “I break with thee, I break with thee, I break with thee!”
2. Find someone in your friends list from the opposite party and tell them you love them, despite the fact that you indirectly referred to them as “total uneducated morons” for the past three months.
3. Post a lot of pictures of kittens, puppies, and unicorns.
4. Since your Facebook Timeline can be edited, go back and delete all of your posts in favor of the losing candidate. Then use the Timeline’s backdating feature to put up new posts in favor of the winning candidate. Include some predictions about the exact vote tally and results. Then post a status update pointing to how amazingly you were able to predict the election.
5. Take a picture of a cardboard box and tell Facebook that this is your new home, thanks to the results of the election.
6. Status update: “Don’t blame me, I voted for William Henry Harrison!”
7. Go to Facebook’s election day interactive map and stare at it, wondering where you went wrong.
8. Status update: “Last night’s episode of The Walking Dead was the best one yet!”
9. Send all Farmville cow trading requests to all of your friends who supported the other guy. Repeatedly.
10. Change the language on your Facebook feed to make your friends think that you’ve left the country. Or, just start adding, “Eh?” to the end of every sentence.
11. Status update: “Don’t blame me! I voted five times”.
12. Go to your polling place, check-in on Foursquare and Facebook, then post an update asking why the doors are locked, and why you can’t vote.
13. Demand a recount in Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Nevada, North Carolina, Texas and West Virginia based on the number of people who illegally posted pictures of their ballots on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. Start reporting them to their state election boards one by one.
14. Blame Facebook and Zuckerberg for your candidate losing: “Due to Edgerank, only 15% of my friends saw my tireless and completely humorless rants about how evil this man was. If they had ALL seen my posts, it might have changed the course of the election!”
15.Robocall your neighbors, impersonating the losing candidate, urging them to get out to vote: “There’s still time. We can do this!”
16. Start door to door canvassing for your candidate of choice for 2016. Even if you are your own candidate of choice.
17. Record a fiery concession speech and post it on YouTube.
18. Go about your day as usual, but every time you pass someone you don’t know, reach out, shake their hand, and thank them for their vote.
19. Start a Pinterest board with photos of all the people you know who didn’t vote for your candidate, publicly shaming them.
20. End all of your conversations and status updates with, “I’m (insert name) and I approve of this message”.
Well, that oughta keep you busy and take your mind off of things.
But seriously, let’s try to keep it civil.
- A Public Service Announcement for Election Day (inklingmedia.net)
- Voters: Don’t Instagram Your Ballot (It’s Probably Illegal)! (mediabistro.com)